It’s time I live my own adventure. It’s time I let that adventure change me.
It’s time I sort out myself, my writing, my priorities… and my people. I was sitting in KCI early Sunday morning, going, “I don’t know how to not love people so much.” It was a tired sort of pain that makes you feel like you don’t know where you’re going or what you’re doing and most of all, it makes you aware of just how much you don’t want to leave.
I came home. I didn’t cry. Not nearly as much as I should have. I still didn’t know how to feel. I felt like I had missed out on things. Like I’d missed out on a lot because I was sick. Like there was a whole lot I needed to learn and hadn’t.
Cue angsty song lyrics. Cue a happiness that isn’t quite as deep as it should be because there’s an underlying truth beneath that happiness.
"The truth hurts. That’s how you know it’s the truth."
It was said at the Summer Workshop. Nobody said it at the Winter Workshop - because nobody needed to. Because we all knew it.
Life is beautiful. But life also throws curveballs. And most of all, I am like the Doctor - I RUN. I run away from the hard stuff, the scary stuff, the stuff that hurts. But it catches up with you.
And then I realize I have learned. I have learned that you can know so much, and even know what’s right, but what makes you a hero is the ability to do it. Maybe I’m not a hero yet. Maybe I’ll never be a hero. Maybe NOBODY is ever a hero. Maybe there’s only One.
I came back from OYAN and I realized how much I… well, let’s put it simply - hated real life. Real life with my job, and my school, and it’s perpetual boringness, and how nobody’s crying and hugging and falling over at the beauty in the universe, and nobody’s walking around saying meaningful things, and nobody is creating worlds of adventure for me to enter, and there are no wizards and dwarves knocking down my door to help me steal back lost kingdoms. I’m just a kid. Little old me, here in Connecticut. Real life. The hard stuff. That’s what my world is.
I’m incredibly blessed. That reality never leaves me. I have so much, and I experience so much. I looked at the work of my hands… the things I do every day, and I realized, these things were only boring and terrible because I let them become that way.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped driving the story… and the story started driving me. It was just happening to me. And I started to expect it to happen to me. I was like, “Come on! Where is my adventure? Come on! When do I get to be the hero? Come on! Why am I finding all of this pointless and annoying? Come on! I want to live!” I became so caught up in things that I think there’s a part of me that forgot how to live the adventure, and to make it happen. How to be my own person - to be who God created me to be.
I can live. It’s time for me to figure out who I am. And I don’t mean sending myself into the world in hopes I’ll ‘find myself’, because 2011’s workshop taught me that that’s a bad idea too. I mean, it’s time for me to finally realize what my story is. I know I have a story to tell. I know I have an adventure to go on. I hold the universe within my heart, and there are those who need to see that universe… only two hold the power to give that universe to them. Me, and God. And we can only do it together.
Maybe I’ve grown complacent. Maybe I have grown too accustomed to ‘sitting in my hobbit hole’, drinking tea, and watching the world go by. For a time, it was enough to watch the world outside my window… to watch, with people I liked at my side, watching as well. But I should be out in those woods, searching for elves.
I should be finding the magic that I know exists, somewhere out there. Whether it’s from the universe inside my heart, or the beauty of God’s creation…
There is a place for me. A story for me to tell. And I’ve got my own life I need to give up. I think it’s good I’m coming to this place now. I am realizing that I do not know anymore. But God does. I am wrong about a great many things. A GREAT many things. But when I’m wrong, God makes up the difference… and somehow, I know with Him, it will be ok.
Time for me to live my own adventure. To write my own story. I cannot say I will be the same when I return… but it will be good. That I am sure of.
"Life is an unfolding story to each of us. But if you don’t think it’s possible, you will not try. …. God doesn’t write the book for you. You are yolked with Him - but you write the story. God wants to inspire us - work with us. He wants to work with what we have." ~ Mr. S.
I figure it’s time I let Him.
I know the worst isn’t behind me, but regardless of how ready or not I am - I’m going.
And it will be… fantastic.
- transcendingbeauty said:This is so awesome.
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- vaguerecollectionsofafuturelife said:This is lovely. And I love you.
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- whimsyallaround said:This is what God has been teaching me the past few months. Earlier today I thought to myself, “God, what is it you’ve given me best friends that live thousands of miles away? Friends that I only get to be with in person once a year, if I’m lucky.” Then I realized that…
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